Saturday, April 7, 2012

sex tips for girls (and boys, and women,!)

When I was a tween my older sister had a book titled 'Sex Tips for Girls' by the amazing Cynthia Heimel.

I've always been a sucker for self help books, I just love the idea that you can read a book, make a plan, take some steps and your life will improve in whatever manner you'd hoped, you'll 'make friends and influence people'; learn the seven habits of highly effective people, master your metabolism, beguile babies and puppies...whatever! Whatever YOU want to do. It's very positive, I tend towards extreme cynicism, these books are like my version of shameful porn.

Among the most pleasing in the genre are the 'attract your perfect mate' type books. I've read a lot of them, they are mostly hilarious, regressive, and stupid. A few I thought were good, but I think any dating guide or relationship manual that spends much time deconstructing your external appearance is probably complete bunkum. I'm thinking of the most recent book I read in this genre which was "Become Your Own Matchmaker" by Patti Stanger (the Millionaire Matchmaker). I'm not linking to the book or anything because I don't think this woman is that great; she seems a bit retrograde in her approach. The emphasis is very 'straighten your hair, fix your teeth and get thee to a gym' and more about how to "attract" then considering WHO you might attract.

Okay so back to my plan for attracting your perfect mate (aka: sex tips for anyone)--I'm writing as a heterosexual woman but I believe these principles are applicable to any sex or gender preference.

There are only 3 principles to practice, the catch is they aren't easy and require dedication!
The 3 are confidence, narcissism and loving men. 

I think everyone knows confidence is by far the most important element. I can think of many examples of friends I've had who were just really secure in themselves and could pretty much pull anyone, regardless of looks or style. I'm thinking of women who just don't seem to give a fuck--I'm convinced it's attractive to men. Hell it's attractive to everyone! When you think of who YOU find appealing, there is a good chance that confidence plays a part. Confidence says 'I have something which may not be obvious to the casual observer; something everyone wants'. Truly confidence can make a homely person hot, it's crucial. Peripheral to confidence is style. A word about it: if there is something about you that might put people off; all the better. In my case I stand over 6'; de facto, men who are afraid of women are probably going to steer clear. If your style is more sartorially offbeat, like one of these people; you're already doing it. You will attract the weirdies; that's exactly what you want. You're not competing for the manscaped metrosexuals with No Fear baseball hats; your clothes are doing the work for you by weeding these dudes out.

Ok, then narcissism: a certain level of narcissism is crucial. If you think of the most charismatic people you know, chances are they find themselves pretty charismatic too! Cultivate a certain level of self absorption, you really can't go wrong with this. If you don't find yourself interesting, who else is going to? Even beyond interesting, even better if you find yourself hot--would you want to date yourself? If so, good. Along with some healthy (even a little unhealthy) narcissism, absorbing interests are very attractive. Having confidence in a strong point of view; I'm always fascinated by people who perceive themselves to have a taste for the finer things in life. It's not the 'finer things' I find interesting but the commitment to their own taste and their own point of view. Having a strong aesthetic sense and a degree of narcissism can tip a person into eccentric territory; that's great too!

The final tip which is the hardest (for me) is to honestly just love men. By that I mean find them exciting, titillating, fascinating and worthy of your adoring attention. I read this somewhere a long time ago, basically it was some self help thing that said you could change your perspective by just looking at men differently--just cultivate an appreciative eye. As a woman in this culture we are used to the male gaze, to being evaluated and appraised all the time. So this tip is about doing the same to men, but with rose-coloured glasses. And do it to ALL the men you meet---the wizened old man ("wow look at his laughing eyes, his wispy hair, how he wields that cane....!"), the juicehead gorilla on the subway ("pumping IRON....yes!"). You're basically playing a role, the role is appraising appreciative woman. The reason I find this tricky is like many women I don't look at men much in my daily commute or activities. Frankly when I'm on public transportation I have earphones on and a book in front of me; I'm trying to create a bubble of space for myself. I do not want to engage, and certainly not with strange men. But this exercise is about just getting into a different headspace with regards to being aware of male energy around you. Again, if you're not straight or not seeking a man you can change the game however it makes sense. In my experience, this exercise works but like I said it's work to pay that much attention to dudes. It's a different lens, public transportation is the most common venue to practice this for me. Usually the lens I wear is more about scanning my periphery to see if there is anyone weird around I need to avoid or keep an eye on. This is a little different.

I think all these three elements are equally important and effective. Even if you only do one it would probably work to a degree.

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